He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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