you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
