Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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