my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
