Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
