I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
