...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
