You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
