don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
