Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
