yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize