In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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