Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
