Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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