I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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