Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
