a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
