totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
