Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
