I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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