just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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