is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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