this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
