His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
