this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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