i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
