i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
