my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
