I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
