There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
