You can't motorboat a personality
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
