I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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