My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
