I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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