Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize