I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
