I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
