Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
