I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
