Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How does one acquire holy water?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
