Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
