First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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