I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
