separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
