im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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