Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
