I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
