Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
