I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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