I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
