You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
