If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
