I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
