Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
