It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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