i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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