yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
