I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
