i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
