Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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