I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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