There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
my poor anus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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