Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
