Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize