True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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