No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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