I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she told me i tasted like america
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
