the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
